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Top Ten Things Ain’t Nobody Got Time For: Diva Edition

Back in February, I made a post of ten things ain’t nobody got time for and I think it was fairly universal. But as all young gays know, your average diva runs on a completely different time zone with places to be and people to… see. I would like to say that 98% of the time, my diva persona is in jest, but these are the times that I truly have NOT got time for.

1. Waiting in line
I’m sorry, unless there are $25 Book of Mormon tickets at the end of this gargantuan line, I am simply uninterested. Somewhere I read that the average person spends six months waiting at red lines. No longer are cars relevant to me, but so help me god, if I spend that amount of time waiting in lines at the post office, coffee shop, waiting to get into a club, I will cut a bitch.

2. Lady Gaga’s injuries
Listen, girl. I love you to absolute death and I am proud to be a little monster. But next time, alert someone when you first start feeling pain instead of letting it exacerbate to surgery-level and canceling twenty-something performances.

3. Bad karaoke
I go to a lot of (gay) bars. A lot of (gay) bars have karaoke nights. And I would like to hear someone epic belting or some crazy riffing instead of a tone-deaf rendition of Summer Loving and/or Don’t Stop Believing for the eighth time tonight, thankyouverymuch.

4. The text or message “?”
You know how iPhones and most social media will now tell you whether or not your message has been read? Yeah, that showing up and me not responding is me ignoring you. Your question mark both irks me and makes you look sad.

5. Theatres calling me to sell subscriptions
Listen, David, I know it’s your job, and I’m sure it must suck. Actually, it might be my job one day, and I fear that day. But the next time I answer the phone and you say, “Hello, it’s David from the Goodman Theatre,” I want you to be calling me in for an audition and not asking me to purchase a subscription that is astronomically more expensive than the student ticket prices you already offer me. Again, please don’t let me live your life.

6. Robot phone voices
Listen. I have a problem. I am calling a customer support line. And I need your assistance right now. Technology confuses me. And I don’t know the right term for my issues. But please give me a nice lady who will reverse my overdraft fees and don’t make me navigate your impossible menu.

7. The fact-checking friend
Listen, if I give you a piece of information or fun trivia, will you just trust that I know what I’m talking about? Or do you insist on double checking everything with your Wikipedia app? Sorry, but your android doesn’t move as fast as my brain.

8. Slow (straight) bartenders
Listen, sir. I would NEVER have this problem if you were AT ALL interested in my sex, but me LEANING over the bar like I am trying to wipe up a spill with my nipples is not for my own personal enjoyment, it is because I am trying to get my drink on and I need you to pay attention to me and take my order BEFORE the blonde bimbos who JUST walked up here. Gracias.

9. Walking home post-coital
Listen, bitch. I don’t plan on ever making a public appearance with you on my arm or vice versa. But you better believe that I don’t ever perform with less than everything I’ve got, aka I am TIRED. Just because I know how to get home does not mean I have any intention of doing so right now. If I never see you again, I’m at least going to see you in the morning, biatch.

10. Getting my Starbucks order wrong
It’s not that complicated. My drink is always explained in six or less works (normally: venti caramel frapp with extra whip), it is so uncomplicated how can you fuck that up? Also how do you misspell my name while you’re at it?? It’s a helping verb people.

I just realized that 60% of those started with the word “listen.” But being a fabulous, diva-bitch takes a lot of hard work and a no-bullshit, take-no-prisoners attitude. Now the trick is walking the fine line between lovable, fun diva and the annoying, stab-me-in-the-face-with-an-ice-pick diva. By limiting myself to a reasonable list of 10 things that this diva ain’t got time for, I’m hopefully succeeding.

What’s on your top 10, divalings?

Stay hot and keep it messy,


One comment on “Top Ten Things Ain’t Nobody Got Time For: Diva Edition

  1. The metaphorical image you created in #8 is one that I will NEVER be able to forget … And I don’t think I really want to forget it, either.

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