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Etiquette of the College One-Night Stand

You’ve had them. I’ve had them. No one is judging here. But let’s just say there is a right way and a wrong way to conduct them. Especially in college, people are horny and want to get some. But people also want to be treated with respect and generally not made to feel like shit. For once, I will blog about something useful to heteros and homos alike! Huzzah!

  1. Don’t brag about it to your friends before it happens
    I mean, you really shouldn’t be kissing and telling anyway. Especially if you are in a close-knit community, the hook-up gossip and potential slut shaming is toxic enough as it is. You sure as hell better not boast to your bros/ladies/betches that you are gonna get down and dirty with that dude/gal/biddie at your place later. If I found out that was happening before we’d even left the party, it would be GAME OVER.
  2. Please, don’t be wasted
    If you are going out in your hottest tight pants, after having taken an extra shower, knowing that you are tryna tonight, please, dear God, don’t feel like you need to show up and immediately taken seven shots. I’m all for getting buzzed, tipsy, even kinda drunk and then bumping uglies with someone you may have never met before. But if you’re gonna do it, you have to be in control of yourself. If you need to be a drunken mess to get frisky with me, I am not interested. Also, fellas, we will NOT be forgiving if you can’t get it up because you took that extra mixed drink. NOT. AMUSED.
  3. Alert Your Damn Roommate
    Hey, I get it. You’re excited. Maybe you haven’t had sex in a several months. Someone is volunteering to put their tongue on your private bits. It’s easy to forget. DON’T. Maybe you’re really into exhibitionism, and that’s okay if you’re in front of strangers, but not your roommate. If you are hooking up with someone you know, chances are your roommate knows them. And they would probably like to avoid being walked in on during what could be anything between an embarrassingly tender or shockingly violent moment. The discomfort of admitting to your roommate that you are going to be using your apartment as a sex den for an hour or so is nothing compared to the horror of having them witness the act.
  4. Be Yourself
    Don’t feel the need to put on some performance of “sexy” or whatever fantasy you think the other person wants. Be real with yourself. Be in communication with your partner in sin. The one night stand is a guilt free time, so if you want to be tied up, go ahead and ask for it. The worst they can say is no. But certainly don’t assume anything.
  5. Don’t Dirty Talk
    Nothing makes me more uncomfortable then someone whispering the words, “I want you to fuck me” into my ears. I get that already. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I am currently fucking you. You don’t need to give me that instruction. Is that supposed to turn me on? Help.
    Ain’t nobody got time for STDs. (Or pregnancy, for you breeders.)
  7. Spend the night
    You don’t have to cuddle. You don’t have to spoon. Unless you want to. (I do.) But you should spend the night. It’s the easiest way to ensure that the other person feels respected and not like an object of your sexual pleasure. If you are starting your business post-rager, it may be few hours before the sun rises and that is no time to send someone out onto the streets to stumble on home.
  8. Don’t be weird about it afterwards
    Hey, look. If we go to the same school, I will probably see you around campus. Or potentially at next weekend’s shitshow. You don’t have to be awkward about it. You helped me, I helped you. Hopefully we both enjoyed it. But there is no need to avoid eye contact or pretend like we’ve never met. Conversely, don’t be clingy. Don’t feel obligated to text me as soon as you get home in the morning. There is also no need to obsessively Facebook message me for weeks afterward about nothing in particular. Let’s be adults. Put another tick mark on your bed frame and move on.

So please, for all of our sakes, review these basic rules before you try to get freaky this Saturday night. We all deserve some action, but we also all deserve some decency.

Happy humping!

Stay hot and keep it messy,


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