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The Ventality

Thriving in a city environment is all about the attitude. Us Chicagoans have a nicer, more Midwestern reputation than our counterparts on either coast, but it is important to be able to subtly assert a “head bitch in charge” vibe when it becomes necessary. This ability is crucial to survival as a city-dwelling twink, though I would consider it a helpful tool in any young person’s arsenal of ferocity. Over the past few years I have developed a couple personal tricks that I like to use, such as always walking into an audition with a bottle of Fiji water… asking someone to remind you of their name on the second or third meeting even if you do remember it… refusing to friend request a freshman on Facebook, etc. But, of all the status symbols, my most prized is the venti Starbucks drink. The power behind this lies in the venti mentality or, as I like to call it, the Ventality.

The venti has nothing to do with whether or not you can drink it all or whether or not you are that thirsty. The venti has everything to do with displaying your importance to the world. If I am walking down Halsted or Michigan Avenue holding a venti, it says to the every passerby, “kindly move the fuck out of my way.” The drinkers of the venti have an extensive laundry list of very important things to accomplish on this day, and a grande will JUST. NOT. CUT IT. The holders of the venti do not have time to chitchat, they do not have time to smile, and they certainly do not have time to notice you. They are the people that run the world, with twenty ounces of caffeine to fuel them.

My venti drink of choice is the caramel frapuccino, unless it’s really much too cold, at which point I will replace it with a macchiato, always with whip. Pro tip: especially if you are getting a cold drink in a clear cup, ask for the barista to put your venti specialty drink in a trenta cup, and now you are really a force to be reckoned with. Unless, of course, you are just ordering straight up coffee or iced tea, in which case you should be ordering the trenta in the first place.

The most important part of the Ventality, however, is confidence. Holding a ginormous six dollar cup of blended coffee gives you the self-confidence to walk through the Loop and be given the respect and slight amount of fear you deserve. Walk forth fiercely, younglings, and the world is yours for the taking.

Next lesson in twink school: how to rock the bowtie.

Stay hot and keep it messy,


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