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Ten Things Ain’t Nobody Got Time For

There is rarely a white space breaking up the rainbow of my weekly gCal. Even my social interactions must be carefully scheduled (which has caused me to really start liking their corresponding color: forest green). In dealing with the daily bullshit and nuisances that pop up in our lives, my roommate Rachel and I have started frequently singing the auto-tuned refrain of “Ain’t nobody got time for that” as a sort of mantra. Last week, the Hot Mess Express celebrity, Erin, posted a Thought Catalog article with the same title as this blog post. I was inspired and I now present you with my personal list of the top ten things ain’t nobody got time for.

1: Excessive Self-Consciousness
Learning how to present myself well is consistently at the top of my “life-makeover” list. One thing that I simply cannot handle when helping a friend with an audition set, assisting a customer in finding a dress, or especially when I am on a first date is people who put themselves down and get in their own way by refusing to be confident in what they have to offer. Stop wasting time, and start believing in your own worth.

2. Shame
Shame is a useless emotion. Be who you are. Don’t let anyone make you apologize for it. This is similar to the last one: just own it.

3. The Message “Hey”
What do you want? You clearly have an intention for contacting me, why don’t you start by expressing that? At least ask me how I am. Do not waste my time with one word greetings and emoticons.

4. Haters
As I told Erin, don’t let others try and out-bitch you. If we are going to rule the Chicago theatre scene and potentially reality TV, we have no time for wenches who are tryna bring us down.

5. Virgin beverages
I don’t drink it for the taste. I drink it because I’m a hot mess and I want to be drunk. XOXO, Gossip Will.

6. Rescheduling
Flakes are my least favorite kind of people. Don’t bail on me last minute and expect me to be able to fit you in sometime tomorrow! Ugh!

7. Explaining Your Life Choices To Your Parents
I must have separate conversations on a weekly a basis with both my mother and my father trying to enlighten them on the reasons behind why I do what I do. Why the classes I take are important. How I choose to balance my time with homework and extracurricular stuff. How I manage my finances. What my summer plans are. The purpose of me going to this school. The way I dress. The way I carry myself. The way I think. The way I exist. I AM BUSY, I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS PHONE CALL, PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK HAROLD PINTER IS GETTING AT.

8. Rihanna
Why is anyone still paying attention to her? What is the last piece of interesting music she has created since Umbrella? Why is she making all this money? Why does this fucked up world adore her? I will never know.

9. Waiting for the Purple Line
This is really only relevant if you are a Chicagoan, but SERIOUSLY. Every single time I pull up to the Howard stop, I have to prepare myself for a fifteen minute wait while my face gets viciously attacked by freezing wind because those heat lamp spaces can only accommodate 3.6 times the body mass of the average El rider. If I am ever in a position to publicly instigate or support social change, same-sex marriage and environmental advocacy will come right after petitioning for the express train to be always running.

10. Putting My Own Cream Cheese On A Bagel That I Order
I will never order a bagel from Dunkin Donut’s again. After paying the extra $1.50 to get cream cheese with my bagel, I was handed a bag containing a dry bagel and a plastic container of cream cheese. EXCUSE ME?! I ordered this here so that the food could be prepared for me and I can immediately begin to eat it. If I wanted to spread by own damn cream cheese, I could have done this at home without forfeiting my hard-earned money to the diabolical hands of your corporation!

The list goes on and on, but those are the big ones in my life at the moment.

I implore you all to recognize the importance of your time and not waste it with any of the aforementioned atrocities, and, if you ever work in food service, don’t you dare give your customers condiments in a package.

Stay hot and keep it messy,


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