I have a hard time letting things go. When it comes to friends who eventually drift apart, I have a hard time accepting that they don’t have time to Skype with me anymore. With regards to the shows that I have completed, I can’t get over not seeing the cast every day anymore. What my life lacks right now more than anything is stability, which is something that may be propagated by my heavy involvement in theatre. We are trained to develop intensely trusting and personal connections throughout the course of a six week process and then move on to the next thing immediately, possibly never seeing those people again. Lacking that through-line is hard for me, and its affect on me is part of the reason that I consider myself a clingy person. But, sometimes we just have to let go.
Recently, I was tempted to unwisely rekindle an old flame. Suffice it to say that this person was a very big part of my life for a lot of reasons, and I think he will always be important to me in some way. This person and I, however, are not soul mates. Or anything close to it. Last weekend I had to make the decision whether or not to let myself get sucked into a black hole of emotions and thoughts that I had tried very hard to bury. And I had actually fooled myself into believing that I succeeded in that. But, if I am going to ever attain this stability that I yearn for, I have to take responsibility for it.
My options were to give in and go back to something familiar or to stop allowing people to mess with my heart. I chose the latter. No longer can I deal with the back and forth, capricious, inconstant attentions and feelings of men. I already have a circle of friends that is constantly in flux depending on what show I’m working on and what class I’m taking, I shouldn’t have to subject myself to men who are but selectively devoted.
It was a really hard conversation to have and even harder to look back upon, but I’m proud of myself for being mature enough to not put myself in a situation that would only end in more hurt. Don’t mess with me boys, because this bitch will not be taking you back. Stability (maybe even sanity?!), here I come!
Stay hot and keep it messy,